i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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