Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
