Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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