she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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