I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
