i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Small penises have feelings too.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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