This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
