I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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