I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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