if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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