no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
