she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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