life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
