the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
