I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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