I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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