dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
