I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I AM VODKA MAN
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
