Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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