I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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