Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
