He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
