...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
