Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
