i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
