I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I can't put those talents on a resume
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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