I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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