At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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