what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
