my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
