Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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