New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I would ride that face into the sunset
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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