i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
