At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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