Your mouth is God's brothel.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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