i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
