i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
