I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
