Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
there is glitter all over my balls
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
