It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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