i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
