Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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