i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
babies were throwing up all over the place
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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