hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
