I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
