there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think a kid would responsible me up
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
