her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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