I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
