I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
