9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
