my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
my liver is dry heaving
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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