My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
