I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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