My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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