So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
