Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
