literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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