its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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