Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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