I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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