You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
