I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
