i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
