you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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