he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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